Brentford v Liverpool, Leicester v Fulham, West Ham v Crystal Palace: football – live | Premier League

West Ham United 0-0 Crystal Palace. “Greetings from the London Stadium,” begins Ian Sargeant. “First half over. The square root of bugger all has happened. Don’t take my word for it: the XG is 0.27. That’s for both teams combined. Drab fare.”

In lieu of goals, here’s a lovely piece in memory of one of the greatest strikers ever to grace this beautiful game of ours. Go well, Lawman.

No nil-nils in the fourth round of the Scottish Cup, though! Here are the half-times north of the border.

• Broxburn Athletic 0-2 Ayr United

• Cove Rangers 1-0 Forfar Athletic

• Dumbarton 0-2 Airdrieonians

• Dunfermline Athletic 2-0 Stenhousemuir

• Elgin City 0-1 Aberdeen

• Hamilton Academical 1-0 Musselburgh Athletic

• Hibernian 1-0 Clydebank

• Queen of the South 0-2 St Mirren

• Queen’s Park 1-0 Montrose

• Ross County 0-1 Livingston

• St Johnstone 1-0 Motherwell

… and the Championship half-times aren’t much better.

• Coventry City 0-0 Bristol City

• Derby County 0-1 Watford

• Luton Town 0-0 Preston North End

• Oxford United 0-0 Blackburn Rovers

• Portsmouth 0-0 Middlesbrough (L)

• Sheffield United 1-0 Norwich City

• West Bromwich Albion 0-1 Stoke City

To be fair to Pompey and Boro, the match was held up for half an hour due to a medical emergency in the crowd, so is only a quarter-of-an-hour in.

Premier League half-times

BREAKING NEWS: Still no Premier League goal. Therefore in It’s-Come-To-This news, here’s Alex Robb in response to Kári Tulinius of 3.34pm fame: “I always wondered if Liverpool signed their Japanese midfielder so that the rest of the team wouldn’t be so concerned about the loss of (H)Endo in the middle of the park.”

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. Mohamed Salah finds Cody Gakpo who clanks a decent chance wide. A half-chance for Bryan Mbeumo up the other end as well. Somehow it’s still goalless.

Sheffield United 1-0 Norwich City. At least we’ve had a goal already in the big game at the top of the Championship. And we nearly had another. A spectacular one too, as Gustavo Hamer has a pop from the halfway line. Angus Gunn in the Norwich goal tips it over to spare his own blushes.

Leicester City 0-0 Fulham. More frame-bothering action, this time at the King Power, where Alex Iwobi hits the post with a shot-cum-cross. We’ll get a Premier League goal at some point. Won’t we?

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. Another long-distance effort by Dominik Szoboszlai, this one pinging off the top of the crossbar. Liverpool getting closer.

Still no goals in the Premier League. “The way Finnish commentators say Tsimikas, I always think for a split second they’re referring to former Liverpool legend Jimmy Case,” writes Kári Tulinius. “Have any other clubs had near-namesakes from very different linguistic backgrounds?” So it’s come to this.

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. The title hopefuls are beginning to dominate. Long-distance efforts from Dominik Szoboszlai and Ryan Gravenberch. A dangerous cross sent in by Trent Alexander-Arnold. But no end product.

Scotland, then. And here comes Simon McMahon! “It’s Scottish Cup weekend north of the border, starting last night with Hearts surviving an early scare at Brechin before running out 4-1 winners, and finishing with the tie of the round on Monday when Dundee United go up the road to Dens to face Dundee. Holders Celtic are at home to Kilmarnock at tea-time tonight, while Rangers play Highland League Fraserburgh tomorrow. Today’s games include a potentially tricky trip for Aberdeen, without a win in 12, to Elgin, St Johnstone v Motherwell and a ‘racecourse derby’ as Hamilton welcome Musselburgh. But really, it’s all about Monday night.”

GOAL! Sheffield United 1-0 Norwich City (Burrows 22). Harrison Burrows opens the scoring from the edge of the box at Bramall Lane, hitting both uprights in the process. Here’s another as-it-stands table, because if things stay the same, the Blades are going top. Burnley drew 0-0 with Sunderland last night, while Leeds host Sheffield Wednesday in the War-of-the-Monster-Trucks derby tomorrow.

Nothing much happening in the Premier League right now. Over to Germany, then, where Bayern Munich lead Wolfsburg 2-1 at the break. As things stand, the top of the table looks like this, with champions Bayer Leverkusen playing Borussia Monchengladbach later this evening.

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. Now it’s Luis Diaz’s turn to miss a gilt-edged invitation to score at the Gtech, miscuing a header from close range. It’s certainly an open game, and you have to wonder how it’s still goalless.

West Ham United 0-0 Crystal Palace. No early goals in the Premier League, though Jean-Philippe Mateta does his best to breach the dam at the London Stadium. Lukasz Fabianski denies him with a strong arm.

Leicester City 0-0 Fulham. Jordan Ayew crosses for Stephy Mavididi, who isn’t able to connect. But it’s a positive start for the hosts, who certainly need a result today if they’re to kick-start any sort of fight against relegation.

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. Bryan Mbeumo tees up Mikkel Damsgaard for what looks like a certain goal … but the Danish midfielder fluffs the chance. A lively end-to-end start in west London.

Those early Championship games, then. A round-up for your edification.

Brentford 0-0 Liverpool. The league leaders have started brightly, with Trent Alexander-Arnold and Cody Gakpo probing down the wings. An early half-chance for Mohamed Salah is blocked and cleared.

It’s 3pm, and whistles sound all across the land! I defy you to play this just the once.

There were a couple of early kick-offs in League One …

… as well as League Two …

Those desirous of hot table action can find it here.

Champions League football for Bournemouth next season? Why not? Just look! Here’s the Premier League table as we head into the 3pms.

FULL TIME: Newcastle United 1-4 Bournemouth. After six straight wins in the Premier League, Newcastle went into this fixture with faint hopes of a first title since 1927. Well they’ve been thoroughly disabused of that notion, Bournemouth scoring four crackers on Tyneside. Justin Kluivert with a hat-trick on his dad Patrick’s old stomping ground. Barry Glendenning has the details, in the popular minute-by-minute format.

The early games in the Championship have finished. A big win for Cardiff in the South Wales derby. An equally precious victory for Hull in south London. Both teams put some distance between themselves and bottom club Plymouth, who haven’t had a good day at all.

West Ham v Crystal Palace team news

Leicester v Fulham team news

Brentford v Liverpool team news

Preamble